Dude Where's My Longsword: D20 Concequences for Carousing

 Dude where’s my longsword:

D20 consequences of partying too hard

Give your players the consequences of their actions, and they will love you for it

 

Hello there my lovelies,

I was once told by a wise friend that the point of life is the stories you can tell from it.  From my own experience, some of the very best stories are from nights out where copious amounts of booze is drunk, and when poor decisions are made.  It doesn't matter if you made a tit of yourself (as long as you didn't insult or hurt anyone in the process), what matters is that it is a good story to tell to a different group of friends five years later. 

I know this all seems like terrible life advice but bear with me.  During my time both playing and DMing TTRPGs I have also noticed that there are always some players who insist on their characters getting as drunk as possible, as often as possible.  I have also noticed that once or twice a campaign the party goes on the mother of all benders. As a DM it is within my gift to give them a memorable story to recount, and thus the table of  Dude Where's My Longsword was born.

Dude Where's My Longsword should be used sparingly.  It should only be used when the party, drinks harder and longer than normal.  It is for when they decide to crack open that bottle of goblin moonshine they picked up 5 dungeons ago.  It is when the celebrations (or commiserations) spill out of the tavern and across the city.  It is when the party has survived a series of high-stakes sessions and they finally want to blow off some steam.

The drug shark happened in my own campaign.  Merryment and grovelling to powerful criminal enterprises were needed.

Therefore, just for you dear lovely reader I present the outrageous consequences of carousing that just goes that hard.

Dude where’s my longsword Roll a D20 on this table whenever your party drinks too hard and too long.  In nearly every case the drinkers have no memory of what happened the night before.
Roll	Outcome
1	Marriage Each drinker should make a saving roll (probably something like wisdom) Anyone who fails got married last night, potentially to each other. It is probably a good idea to seek an annulment ASAP
2	The Drug Shark One or more of the drinkers wake up riding the corpse of a great white shark.  It is wearing a party hat. The shark is FULL of highly illegal narcotics The owner wants their drugs back and is currently scouring the area to find the culprits.
3	Vomit Golem There were so many people and so much drink, and food, and then more drink and probably more food after that.  It got out of hand, people began being sick and somehow the vomit became something more: THE VOMIT GOLEM It's tough and hits hard It stinks and everyone close to it is distracted by its stench. Those struck by it take extra acid-based damage It is extremely vulnerable to antacids or alkalis.
4	The Hairless Bear One or more of the drinkers wake up in a cave.   Also in the cave is a sleeping cave bear, however, it has been shaved completely. The drinker has a sack of bear hair next to them and a pair of shears. It is probably a good time to leave, quietly.
5	The Transcendent Headache One or more of the drinker's hangover transcends space and time in a moment of skull-splitting despair their mind becomes one with the fabric of the universe gifting them with telekentic powers. They gain a telekinetic magehand that can be used at will. However to maintain this power they can never, ever, get drunk again. Additionally, they will always have a slight headache.
6	The Vision Quest One or more of the drinkers got so drunk they peered into the spirit realm. Upon waking up and hungover they will meet their spirit guide (probably a cute and annoying small animal). The spirit guide will be able to answer one question about the world truthfully (though it may not know everything)
7	Inside The Lamp The drinkers get so drunk that they wake up outside of a palace in a desert.  Inside the palace is the Djinn of the lamp of which both Djinn and drinkers are now stuck inside. The only way to break out is to find and defeat the sealing magic that holds them in.  Unfortunately, this won't be easy as it is a giant sandworm.
8	The Existential Cleanup The partying got so out of hand last night that the drinkers (and other partygoers) have trashed the entire town/city. The local law enforcement has arrived with carts and pitchforks.  The drinkers will clean up the area or face prison.
9	Forbidden Literature Last night one of the drinkers did a bad thing.  They just can’t remember what. Surely it has nothing to do with the dread ritual to summon an eldrich horror, from this strange book written in blood and bound in human skin.
10	Stolen Grace One or more of your drinkers wake up in the morning with a large holy symbol in the room next to them.  They clearly should not have it and have clearly stolen it during their drunken antics. Returning it could be fine.  Many religions are the forgiving type.  Others would rather burn you and let their god decide.
11	Mysterious Livestock One more of your drinkers awake surrounded by a small herd of livestock animals (something like sheep or goats). It is not clear where they came from, but what is obvious now is that they are somehow attached to that drinker. They will follow them wherever they travel.  Generally beat, moo or cluck a lot, making plenty of noise. They are also useless in combat, as being herd animals they are consummate cowards.
12	Incredible Journey One or more of your drinkers awake in an unfamiliar area with no idea how they got there. When they finally get their bearings it is clear that the drinker is going to have a real hard time getting back to where they were.  They are either somewhere dangerous to exit or in a far-off wilderness.  Sucks to be them.
13	OMG we’re in Azkaban The drinkers awake in a prison.  Possibly a supermax prison. It is not clear how they got there, and the guards are not helping with answers. There is a very real possibility they did something very naughty on a drunken rampage, or equally, an enemy saw it as an opportunity to frame them. Either way, it seems like the only way out is a prison break!
14	Serial Victim In their drunken state, the drinkers were abducted by a deranged killer.  They now awake deep in their dungeon, which is full of traps and other deranged killers. The killer has probably taken all their equipment too!
15	It thinks you are its mother! One or more of the drinkers awakes next to an apex predator that appears to be staring intently at them.  It is a juvenile of the species and it seems to be very fond of that character, perhaps thinking they might be its mother. Which is great and all, you end up with a ferocious pet.  However, its parents may well be looking for it and will probably deal with whoever abducted their offspring in short and brutal order. A few ideas of what the juvenile could be: An owl bear, a lion, a displacer beast, a troll or even a flail snail.
16	Fargo A very simple one.  Something VERY bad happened last night. All the drinkers awake next to a dead body, whom no one can identify.   Next to the body is a HUGE pile of money. People might be looking for that.
17	Yes, You Joined A Cult One or more of the drinkers are excitedly shaken awake by someone in robes.  They are told it is the time of their becoming (or whatever nonsense). It appears last night they were inducted into a cult. If they are lucky it will be the nice type of cult with weirdos and weird sex stuff.  If they are unlucky it will be the bad type of cult with weirdos, weird sex stuff and blood sacrifice.
18	Hangover of Legend The drinker's antics last night have become the stuff of legend.  They will never be forgotten by the townspeople, who will probably hold a celebration each year in memory of that one fateful night. The party will enjoy a free drink every time they visit this place.
19	In Costume One or more (probably all) of the drinkers awake to find themselves in costume.  They appear to be dressed up as some sacred or endangered animal. On closer inspection, it seems that they are also wearing the furs or skins of the creature. Not the best look, if the locals/druids/elves/conservationists find out.
20	Hair of the Dog Upon waking up the drinkers find there are unfinshied beverages around them.  If they choose to continue drinking their body will be effectively sterilised of all unpleasantness. They will be immune to disease and poison until the next rest.

Evil Cult Generator

Since Halloween is coming up here is a moderately creepy generator to create an evil cult in your game.  This generator assumes they are evil beyond reproach and they will probably show you no mercy.  So show them none in return.

Build A Cult (This is specifically about evil cults)
What do they Wear?
roll	Clothing	Accessory
1	Very standard cultist robes, you know the sort.	Creepy masks. Cultists love creepy masks.
2	Leather strapping and other extremely figure-hugging leather clothing. It is all very Hellraiser.	A small broach. One could even miss it if you weren't paying attention.
3	No specific dress code but every piece of clothing the cultists have are exactly the same colour.	Tattoos.
4	Nothing, they are weirdo nudists.	Deliberate disfigurement.
5	Rags and scraps, they look like they have collected their clothing for a refuse pile.	Mutation, probably involving tentacles.
6	Nothing. They wear perfectly normal everyday clothing.	Adorned in bones. Skulls for shoulder pads, and chest plates made out of femurs that sort of thing.
7	Skins and hides (possibly human).	Heavy body modification. This goes beyond having your eyebrow pieced.
8	A very idiosyncratic uniform. Think communist China.	Holy artefact. They carry with them at all times a holy artefact. This could be a symbol or even a sacred weapon.
9	Extreme decadence. The clothes they were are designed to titillate and strategically expose the flesh to get the pulse racing.	Weird flamboyant hats.
10	Puritanical dress-code, no fun here. You need to be wearing the exact shade of charcoal grey.	Covered in pustules and sores. It looks and smells disgusting but they seem to love it.
Who do they sacrifice and how?
roll	Who	how
1	Anyone they can get their hands on. There is no discrimination here. They are progressive like that.	Cutting out their hearts with a ritual dagger.
2	Virgins.	Exsanguination!
3	Babies/children.	Burning probably on a pyre or in a volcano.
4	Specific race.	Feeding to a great beast at the bottom of a great pit.
5	Followers of a particular religion	Something stupidly elaborate.
6	Magic-users	Ritual torture.
What do they want?
Roll	What are these weirdos up to?
1	They just want to do weird creepy shit in peace. If it wasn't for the prodigious amounts of human sacrifices going on no one would care really.
2	They want to summon something awful into this world. It might kill them, eat them, or even drive them mad, but they seem fine with that outcome.
3	They want to establish a domain where they rule and spread the world of their belief. It probably wouldn't be a nice place to live.
4	They want to overthrow the established order. It is not clear if they have a plan for what to do next.
5	Wipeout X peoples. Maybe they are racists or just hate magic users. Non the less they are set on the total destruction of a particular group of people in this world.
6	Fulfil a prophecy. Somewhere in pages of the books, they rant about is a strange prophecy that has them all worked up! Let us hope you're not involved in it.
7	Bathe in the blood of their enemies. This might be literal.
8	Domination and enslavement of all”
9	Omnicide. They want to kill just everyone apart from themselves. Then maybe themselves.
10	The utter and total destruction of existence itself.
Does weird sex stuff go down in the cult?
roll	outcome
1 to 8	Yes.
9 to 10	No.
Just what is it they worship?
roll	The object of their obsession
1	A person (They may be alive, dead or even undead).
2	A power eldritch being.
3	An object (for example a weapon, obelisk, artefact, statue or even a body part).
4	A philosophy or ideology.
5	A place (it could be an area, a ruin or even a country).
6	Writings or scripture.
What makes them so unique?
roll	Quirk
1	They all same the same thing at the same time like some kind of hive-mind.
2	They are just overly nice. To the point, it is cloying and uncomfortable. Even when they are killing you they are strangely happy about it.
3	They are all to an individual utterly and hopelessly insane.
4	They are devious and have been spending years infiltrating governments and other powerful organisations.
5	They are tolerated by the state for some reason. Probably because they keep the true depths of their evil hidden. People find them creepy nonetheless.
6	They are powerful enough to rule over a region.
7	They bring with them dread beasts, not of this world.
8	They also serve in undeath. When they die they will be raised as an undead creatures befitting of the station they achieved in the cult in life.
9	They wiled dreadful cursed weapons.
10	Their leader is a powerful non-human entity.

D10 Strange Worlds and The Portals That Transport You

Have you ever wanted to throw your players into a horrible world of woe and despair for a few sessions?  A fun distraction on the side to the main adventure.  Well, fret no more.  Here are a few seed ideas of worlds your party could be transported to and the method in which they could be taken!

Strange Worlds at End of Eerie Portals
The Portal	The World
1 The surface of a mirror	The Grey Maze: Walls of a grand maze surround you. They reach high into the sky and their uniformly flat surfaces make scaling them impossible. Even the grandest of giants would find scaling such a climb impossible. The repetition of the landscape and the complexity of the maze makes it hard to navigate. If one does not take the time to carefully map their progress it will be easy to get lost forever. Civilisation can be found here, where the facades of the walls are cracked. People build towns within the cracks in the walls. They are well guarded. Spider things hunt in the maze. They scale the walls with ease and carry bony harpoons to capture their prey.
2 A glowing potion that when drunk causes the drinker to fall into a deep slumber and phase-out of reality	The cylinder: The surface of the world in here is found upon the inside of a seemingly endless cylinder. A person can look up into the sky and see the sprawl of a city above them at the opposite side to where they stand. The sun is a filament of light that runs down the centre of this strange world. Day and night are marked by the luminosity of this ribbon of light.
3 A strange sticky fog rolls over the land here. As soon as one enters this area the sounds of animals cease. If they keep pressing forward they will eventually reach the other world.	The Pit: The world is shaped like a vast bowl with all points sloping inwards. At the centre of the world is a vast, and perfectly round chasm. New land is spawned at the edges of this world. Then over the course of decades, it creeps and slides, and tumbles into the pit. The soil is loose here and thus settled civilisations are rare. Nearly everything is nomadic, metallurgy and other heavy industry that requires fixed infrastructure are non-existent. This is the world of the horse lord.
4 A small knife with a uniquely sharp edge is able to cut a hole between worlds. Wounds inflicted with this knife bleed the stuff strange realities.	The Abandoned City: There is a vast city. With infinite floors and infinite sprawl. The echoes of your voice is swallowed by the absurd vastness of this space. You are not sure where the city ends and the sky beings. It is entirely devoid of its previous inhabitants. However strange mockeries of humanity can be found squatting in the rooms of this metropolis. They do not enjoy company. Small redoubts of post-human survivors live. They are a hardy sort who are expert scavengers and cultivators.
5 A great titan of a beast stalks the land. It is said that its throat is a portal to another world. All you have to do is risk being swallowed whole.	Volcanism in The Nightland: The Sun is dying and has all but dimmed to shine out a sickly green glow. The world is either pitch black or illuminated by a weak emerald light. It is a hot and humid place and it is beset by violent and endless volcanism. Volcanoes erupt regularly, vomiting out all but unseen ash clouds, earthquakes are common here. This place is home to a rich and ferocious ecosystem. The hydrothermal vents provide the basis of life here. Great worms feed on the minerals and nutrients exuded. Predators many times the size of a person skitter in the dark, and greater things predate on them still. For such a hostile place civilisation thrives. Though it is penned in and terrified of what lies beyond its borders.
6 A single silver key. Absurdly plain in design. Anyone who holds it may unlock any door which will now open into another world. Be careful. Not every world will have a door to return you.	Ropes and Knots: There is no apparent ground to this world, just an endless sky that falls into a black void. This world is comprised of huge strands of rope that can be anything from a few meters to a few kilometres thick. They go in all directions and meet together in great knots. The knots themselves can vary in size hugely. It is in the larger knots that civilisation is found. Towns and kingdoms claim knots as their home. And within the strands and between the gaps of the ropes are the strange caves and dungeons of this world. The cut one of the great ropes is the greatest taboo of all, for connection is life. Beware the fleet centipede things that hunt in the wild of the strands.
7 A spell or ritual. It is written in a hidden tome or scroll. It is clearly hidden knowledge, maybe to keep the treasure to themselves or to keep our world from danger.	Grass Ocean: This is a world is islands and archipelagoes. These islands are rich oases and plenty and peace, however, they are separated by the grass ocean. Where there would be an ocean there is a great plain of long grass, and like the ocean, the level of the grass is uniform at the surface. The deep one goes into the grass ocean the longer the grass becomes. Travelling from one island is dangerous. Navigating the depths of the ocean is incredibly difficult and dangerous. The deeper you go the darker it becomes due to the fronds of grass blocking out more and more light. Numerous shark-like predators that crawl and creep hunt down here. Though it is also rich in life to be harvested.
8 A portal. A standard glowing portal. You can choose the colour it glows.	The Million Million Rooms: This place could possibly be hell. The world is a series of interconnecting rooms. Some as small as a closet others the size of a cathedral's interior. The walls of this place are the same charcoal colour. The sameness is endless. It's maddening. It hurts one's mind to dwell here for more than a few hours. One cannot tell where a corner or dark spaces begin. There is no food or sustenance here so it is almost devoid of life. Almost. For solid human-like shadows walk these halls. They have the same charcoal colour and they hunt and hate life.
9 A great eternal fire burns at this place. For some, it is a place of pilgrimage. Some sacrifice themselves to the flame. For those that do they are transported to another world.	The Tireless Strider: The world is a vast clockwork golem. It is the size of a continent that it marches ceaselessly through an endless mist that obscures anything below its waste. Upon its back shoulders and head, cities have grown. They are prosperous and thick with culture. Adventures will often delve into the golem itself. Within are items of great use and power. But within are guardians of the golem's body, as well as other things that stalk in the dark. The question begs. Where is the golem heading to, and will it ever reach its destination?
10 A lake with a perfectly flat surface that never ripples. Once submerged and drowning you will awake in another world.	Puppets and Palaces: The world is normal. It has kingdoms, economies, peoples and passions. Except everyone one is a puppet. They will deny it of course, even if you show them the strings that hold them up. Are they actually individuals? Or is some strange eldritch creature playing dollhouse with a world?

D20 Rarebooks found in Lost Places

Please enjoy a few of the random books I have at hand to throw at my party.

Rare books found in lost places
1	A technical guide to intoxication through kingdom fungi (by Plagueface esq.): A thick tome written in a conspiratorial manner about identifying various types of mushrooms to make hallucinogenic potions and poisons.  If you use this tome as a reference book: +1  when identifying fungus. +1 when making potions and poisons out of mushrooms.
2	Fractal Mosaics (by Prof. R.K. Dunshlem): What could be a dry exploration of mosaic design, is elevated  to greater heights through the author's beautiful prose and exploration of the relationship between art and culture.  If you use this tome as a reference book: +1 when studying architecture.
3	Backdoor Wenches (volume 9): A smutty picture picture book depicting humans in various forms of copulation.
4	The Epic of Yorm (Unknown Author): This is an ancient poem (by the editor's standards). It was passed down through oral tradition and has now been codified into text. The poem is about a great hero who slays a number of increasingly dangerous monsters only to be undone by his own hubris.
5	A nincompoops guide to summoning (by Georg the Marvellous): An arcane text that describes in a very condescending manner about how to effectively summon creatures from other planes. The author talks about how easy the process actually is and describes in depth about how other “lesser” mages screwed up the summoning and died horribly. Gains a Summon spell
6	Jombaha! (by Arclight Press): A pop arcane book. Designed to get the masses more enraged with arcane studies and rituals. It is a collection of presumably real life stories when rituals went horribly wrong, resulting in death, destruction and occasionally hilarity.
7	Victory through Atrocity (by Ral): Contains a foreword that describes how this is a controversial work by a controversial historical figure. It describes the use of war crimes as a way of controlling populations, it details which forms of oppression tend to have the desired effect. Gruesome reading.
8	A field guide to dinosaurs (by J. Hammond): A lavishly detailed book with field sketches of many different dinosaur species. Great coffee table book to impress your friends.
9	Getting spiritual about spirits (by Gruru Kosh): This book is a thinly disguised guide on how to not only build but distill almost anything into alcohol. The author rambles on about spirituality and all kinds of dross. Great for making Molotov! Gain the blueprint for making a still.
10	Skirmisher's Delight (T.E. Blaskovitiz): A treaties of advanced tactics for the initial engagements at the eve of a battle. Once per day you may roll initiative with advantage.
11	Esoteric Curatives (H. Tharsson): An exciting tome where the author describes his travels through numerous, tribes and other “outsider” groups and the healing methods they use. In places, this becomes a polemic where the author decries the decadence of the modern world.  If used as a reference book: Gain +1 to brewing healing potions.
12	The Discerning Farmer's Guide (F. Giles): A highly accessible book written for the layman to understand and implement various farming techniques.
13	The Kraken Stirs (Anon): A philosophical dialogue. Discusses the importance of maintaining social roles and the sanctity of the social contract between lord and subject. If one were to read between the lines you might think the author is telling you how to tear down society.
14	Applied Accountancy: It is an accountancy text book. Useful but boring.
15	Monsters and Metallurgy (I. Sternfist): This book provides an in-depth technical discussion on the various processes of alloy production. It also describes which metals will have deadly effects on certain types of creatures. Contains blueprints for: Alloy production Metal Tubing Wiring Ingots
16	Rationalised Evil (A history of the cult of Ordination) (by Shocking Histories): An engaging narrative of the history of the Cult of Ordination. A group that both worships the mythological being called The Ordinator and embrace the philosophy of the end justifies the means at all costs.
17	Extra-Dimensional Topology (Yuler): A dense work about an incredibly niche subject area that has limited real world application. You think it discusses how Mathematical geometries might shift in other dimensions? Grants a +1 to summoning bonus.
18	Making Acids for Fun (Anon): A subversive book for budding alchemists. Has numerous warnings that some reactions can be extremely exothermic! Gains blueprints for ACIDS!
19	Exotic Weaponry (H. Mauly): A nerdy book that enthusiastically describes the production of and use of many strange and fairly alien weapon types: Gains blueprints for: Chain Sword War fan Tiger Claws
20	A Beginners Guide to Sewing: Actually this book is nothing of the sort. It is a hidden treaties on the use and development of your own skill in Necromancy! Contains 1 random necromancy spell.